So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I will pee on everything he values.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
