she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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