i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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