Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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