that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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