This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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