So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
