all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
