i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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