Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize