allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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