Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
