Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
They took my balls.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
