i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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