Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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