I think my fart just growled at me.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
