this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize