Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
