the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
