He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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