grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
