i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
