this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
