I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize