He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
