They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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