dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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