I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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