i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
