i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
