Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
