a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
