i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
