I can tuck mytits in my pants
from now on my penis is your penis
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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