Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
