I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I stole a fireplace last night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
