I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
