so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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