Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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