I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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