so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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