You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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