"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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