We're like a lot better than the average bears
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
