He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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