Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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