TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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