I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His hands were made for my vagina.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
