i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
