I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
