So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
