Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize