I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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