just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
