I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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