Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
