Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
