This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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