i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
