Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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