what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
