dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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