You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
