I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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