All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
