i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize