I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
