I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize