I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
