Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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